"For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook."
"However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police."
"Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are."
"Men get laid, but women get screwed."
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style."
"The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another."
"There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings."
"Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors."
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable."
"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
"I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum."
"I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds."
"The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us."
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level."
"Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh."
"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse."
"Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding."
"An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing."
"Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses."
"The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency."
"Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin."
"In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis."
"Sex is the last refuge of the miserable."
"The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as 'Soho' poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent."
"It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom."
