"I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
"My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?"
"George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it."
"I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head."
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"On the other hand, you have different fingers."
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?"
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually."
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
