"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
"I can speak Esperanto like a native."
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."
"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?"
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
"I'm a hero with coward's legs."
"It's all in the mind, you know."
"I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
"For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string."
"Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy."
"The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.'"
"Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like!"
"Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too."
"The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it."
"Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently."
