"I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games."
"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."
"The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17."
"And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school."
"By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live."
"Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist."
"I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it."
"You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage."
"They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle."
"I really think everything is fair game."
"That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive."
"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough."
"I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing."
"I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core."
"I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not."
"Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it."
"Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts."
"I like my life alone."
"Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine."
"I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices."
"When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach."
"I can't believe how much time has passed. The first time I did stand-up I was 17, and I was really a stand-up once I was 19 in New York, and now I'm 41, and I still feel like I haven't found myself onstage."
"Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident. I kind of feel in between now."
"I'm doing a lot of stand-up, but not like when you're living in New York and you can do three sets a night and it's your life, and you sleep all day and you wake up and you eat with a bunch of other comics and then get ready for the night."
"I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion."
