"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
"Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
"It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"
"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping."
"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
"My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."
"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
