"Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money."
"In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!"
"Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy."
"It's important to have the right agent - people that are working hard for you. But an actor needs to be in control of their career no matter how good the representation is."
"You have to have talent. You have to get the audition and then you have to nail the audition."
"Once you've been booked, people in Hollywood say, 'Oh he must be good.' All the while you're the same actor."
"Follow what your head is telling you and work hard. That's the big secret."
"My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame."
"It's an awesome thing to be flung out onto the stage twice a weekend in front of 250 people, and you have to make it up as you go along."
"I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy."
"If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams."
"Netflix is just wonderful."
"E! didn't like it when we'd make fun of clips from ESPN - they'd be like, 'That's sports! That's not our audience!'"
"All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh."
"My children do not know what it's like to flip around channels. They either go to Netflix, Apple TV, or they pull up YouTube, and they can watch their shows."
"When I started 'The Soup' back in 2004, I was so anxious because I can't really read, and I had to read teleprompter."
"I always excelled in sports, so I knew I had advantages there. That really gave me, like, confidence and self-esteem."
"I knew I was good at sports, and I knew I loved acting and performing, so I really dove into that, and school always became secondary."
"On 'The Soup,' we were never a political show."
"The #MeToo movement is insanely serious, and there's no comedy to be mined out of that."
"I don't feel any pressure to joke about #MeToo - in fact, I'd say you shouldn't, because it's a great movement that is exposing some really awful behavior and hopefully changing the culture."
"I like anything with Zak Bagans and ghost hunters."
"'Maury' and 'Jerry Springer' get so theatrical that it's hard to believe."
"E! always wanted me to keep it to entertainment news or entertainment and no sports or anything like that, and don't get too weird."
"The editors and the creators of 'The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette,' they are so good at casting and at finding these young, beautiful lunatics to go on the show."
