"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."
"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."
"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
"Take my wife... Please!"
"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."
"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."
"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."
"A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."
