"There is no off position on the genius switch."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong."
"New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move."
"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
"We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector."
"President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?"
"There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting."
"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."
"For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home."
"I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red."
"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you."
"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines."
"I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious."
"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."
"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments."
"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."
"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."
"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?"
"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."
"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral."
"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."
"Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed."
