"It's all been satirized for your protection."
"We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities."
"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'"
"Men are only as loyal as their options."
"The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs."
"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious."
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
"Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?"
"The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'"
"Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show."
"Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'"
"This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution."
"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."
"We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies."
"I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder."
"The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right."
"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."
"Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids."
"The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap."
"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."
"This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air."
"We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly."
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence."
"If you think you have it tough, read history books."
