"I'm interested in Jeff Bridges. I love that guy. And I did like Carey Mulligan in 'An Education.' And I love Meryl Streep, but if they could ban 'Julie & Julia,' I'd be in favor of that."
"I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold."
"'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.'"
"I would like Albert Brooks to have received the Oscars for best actor, best director and best screenplay for 'Modern Romance.' I love that movie."
"My goal is to be exactly how I am offstage - although I realize I'm supposed to punctuate it with jokes."
"My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage."
"I have a true love for the old style of Catskill comic. There's a joy in discovering a bad joke... and then there's the joy of delivering it like, 'Isn't this a hacky joke?'"
"I sold door to door for a couple years. As the years recede from the event, I remember less about it, which is probably good for my mind. It was home improvement in Cerritos California, Buena Park, that area."
"I've sold a lot of different product. Very briefly, I sold Time Life Books on the phone."
"I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing."
"I will say that I wasn't susceptible to Tony Robbins-like pitches, even as a younger man."
"If I love a comic but they have an off night, who am I to say they should have taken out this or added that? It doesn't work that way... I have no interest in hurting people's feelings."
"I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more."
"I'm not trying to do anything except entertain America."
"The cliche that comics always use is that whatever is happening in the news is 'the gift that keeps on giving.' I always thought that was a bunch of nonsense."
"I came out to L.A. in '78 to be a musician. I didn't get into comedy until the mid-Eighties."
"Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist."
"My manager came up with the name 'State of the Industry,' and it was just one of those things. It just took off. Well, I don't know about 'took off.' I'm not in the stratosphere."
"My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings."
"I do notice a lot of people who want to shock to get laughs. It's such a tricky thing; you don't want to make rules about it. There's nobody more hilarious than Dave Attell, and he'd break every rule you set up. But he's funny."
"I think that most people will spend their whole life not figuring out what they're meant to do, or figuring out what they're meant to do on their way to do something else. So I just feel lucky that I know what I love to do. Everything else figures itself out."
"I'm on a mission. If I can make even one person not enjoy something they're currently enjoying, it's all worth it!"
"I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him."
"I've never been paid as a prognosticator. I don't get a lot of work as a mentalist."
"I have so many strong opinions on the entertainment industry, but if I'm in a deli somewhere, and someone says they love that Adam Sandler movie where he dresses up as his twin sister - well, I don't want to make people feel bad for how they feel about things. I'm always courteous, not mean."
