"It's unfair to the hard-core stay-at-home moms to pretend you're able to have an amazing body by chasing around your kids."
"I think one of the hardest things to talk about as a comic is having money because it's so unrelatable."
"I'm always asked how my husband is feeling about my success with a note of concern. He feels great. It's not hard to feel good about your spouse making money."
"Before my dad passed away, I would miss a lot of baby showers and weddings, sacrificed a lot of family and friend events for dumb road dates. I don't do that anymore. It's gone in the other direction. I'm more inclined to put family and friends first."
"Women, a lot of the time, are so much funnier than men, but they just choose not to do comedy for a living."
"Comedy has so much to do with honesty, and women can be more open about their emotions."
"The life of a true, traditional stand-up is really unappealing for women."
"My dad was a doctor, and he would tell us a lot of nasty, funny stories from the hospital. It was funny to me when I'd go over to other people's houses and they didn't talk about intestines at the table."
"I'm addicted to picking my nose. In a world of red tape and bureaucracy, where it takes forever to buy a house or get a cell-phone plan going, it's so instant to just stick your finger up there and go for something your own body produces."
"People are always very surprised by how, offstage with my husband, I'm a completely different person... very soft and nurturing."
"You know what male comics can't do? They can't get pregnant. They can't perform pregnant. So my attitude is, just use all those differences."
"A couple of female standup comics I know refer to their kids as their Little Career Killers. I was like, I really do not want to feel that way."
"It's very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant."
"Even now, when I go out people are like, 'What are you doing here? Didn't you just have a baby?' But people never ask a male comic when he's out a week later, like, 'Oh my God, you're so irresponsible! What are you doing out? Who is taking care of the baby?'"
"I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect."
"There's something I want to say, and I haven't been able to articulate it yet, about how it's so rude when people don't admit that they have a nanny."
"Writing is the life blood of everything in Hollywood. Without writers, there are no scripts, no acting work."
"My dad was obviously a really quirky, unconventional Asian man who didn't care about what other people thought. When he would fight with my mom, he would be really dramatic. He would be like, 'Devil, get away, for I am God's property.' He would say crazy things that were so melodramatic but so theatrical and funny."
"My husband's chill."
"Having a two-year-old is very hard. I feel like I'm in a relationship with an emotionally unstable woman who is also physically abusive and never gets in trouble for it."
"I love being a mom and having two kids. But I've had two C-sections, and I have suffered enough. That's my favourite mantra when it comes to motherhood."
"Whenever I feel mom-guilt, or I feel pressure to be a better mom - to cook salmon on a bed of quinoa for my kids - I just think to myself, 'I... have... suffered... enough.' And then I feel fine about feeding my toddler a bag of chips for dinner."
"When you're a mom, you need sparkle to compensate for the light inside of you that has died."
"Just because you become a parent doesn't mean you grew up."
"I'll tell you how I balance family and career. I have a nanny."
