"I don't have many friends."
"Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate."
"There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny."
"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman."
"And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me."
"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough."
"At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me."
"Drugs scared me."
"Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy."
"Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious."
"I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War."
"I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me."
"I just feed off the energy of the audience."
"I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after."
"I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized."
"I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out."
"I'm a walking, talking enigma."
"I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation."
"If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny."
"It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time."
"It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy."
"Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised."
"Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror."
"The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore."
"Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days."
