"I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons."
"You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple."
"'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time."
"I was the hallway clown in high school."
"I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor."
"I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer."
"You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity."
"Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?"
"I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience."
"I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious."
"I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths."
"I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit."
"Women put guys through tests all the time."
"I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage."
"You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger."
"True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one."
"I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me."
"I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use."
"I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul."
"I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at."
"You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me."
"I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures."
"I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima."
"When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'"
"Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times."
