"Whiskey will always be a part of my life."
"When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs."
"Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time."
"The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent."
"The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation."
"Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that."
"It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world."
"I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say."
"I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life."
"Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38."
"Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine."
"By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long."
"Artie is going to do what ever Artie wants to do."
"And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard."
"A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian."
"It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this."
"I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro."
"The Howard Stern Show is a big hit because it entertains dumb and smart people at the same time for different reasons."
"I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something."
"Historically, a successful life in comedy is a dream that's as equally pondered and unpursued as being an astronaut."
"I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I wanted to do was play short stop for the Yankees from the time I was about 5. Then I turned 15 and realized how silly that was and just gave up on it."
"When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through."
"My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be."
"I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot."
"Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point."
